Out of Kool-Aid Salami!
by Rbade
Summary: I had a... dream, one night, featuring a few characters from DBS. This is that abomination hammered out into fanfic form. Will me and my roomies be able to get another Kool-Aid Salami before breakfast is over!


"Errrrgh..."

I get up, rubbing my head. Where am I...? Oh yeah, my bed in my room. Man, I never really thought that I'd have to room with people once I started college. How long is this for again...? Agh, it doesn't matter. They're nice people, anyways. It's the weekend. Which means… breakfast!

Same old bedroom...? Probably. The sun shines into the room as I lurch up and look around: hm... Dell laptop on the desk... dish of kibble near the door... CompSci textbooks _under_ the desk... everything seems to be in order.

_"Just another boring-ass day in 「__Nrrasosia」__."_ Wait, is that right? It sounds right. What else has the city ever been called?

...

Breakfast time! I roll out of bed and cause the blanket to fall onto the floor (oops). Huh, I could have _sworn_ there was a door separating the room from the rest of the house. Whatever. I waltz out, jamming my ass off into the small central area of the house. Doodoodoo~ wait, where is everyone?

# # #

Oh, they're out here. Sleeping on the couches. Small apartment, huh? No idea how I ended up with the bedroom... at least there was room for two couches for my roomies, neh?

"Mornin'," I mumble as I make my way to the refrigerator. I gingerly step around the documents scattered on the floor, careful not to disturb anything that might be important work.

One of the couchers, _Beerus the Destroyer_, cracks an eye open. "mornin'," he mumbles back, although it sounds more like "mrnn". He lamely reaches in the general direction of the fridge. ... This is normal, yeah. Totally.

The other roomie, the delightful Bulma Briefs, slowly opens both of her eyes before propping herself up and yawning; her eyes are rubbed. "Morning!" She sits all the way up and stretches a bit.

I nod at them, acknowledging their presence without wasting any words as I approach the fridge. The device is torn open — breakfast-time comes. "What y'all want," the groggy college-student grumbles.

"hrrrrng pudding... of zzzzzzz destructionzzzzzzzz" Beerus mutter-snores, pawing at his own face to try and wake himself up.

"I dunno. Maybe some salami?" Bulma shrugs before moving to try and get Beerus up fully.

Ah, yes! Salami! The ambrosia of... me! I scrounge through the fridge, pulling out a 「CAN」 of the stuff and tossing it to Bulma ("Think fast!"), before going back to search for my favorite flavor. She can have the normie stuff, I take only the finest Kool-Aid Salami!

Beerus continues snoring as Bulma prods him, but nevertheless _levitates_ off the couch, letting the blankets slough off him and onto the floor, as he slowly forces himself into an upright position. He yawns and peers over my shoulder, eyes half-open, just using his nose to figure out what is where.

Bulma catches the salami and sighs in relief. "Can you maybe not throw it next time? We're lucky nothing broke." She barely reacts to Beerus's levitation beyond not poking him anymore.

"Eheh..." I respond, grabbing a cup of pudding from the top reaches of the fridge and lobbing it onto Beerus's couch. Then, eyes shining and stomach, growling, I grab the second and final can of salami...!

…

That label...! THAT LABEL!

It reads 'Normal Salami'! My eyes twitch and I damn near _crush_ the can within my grip. Well, not really, but I certainly try before _slamming the thing into the ground._

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT THIS ISNT KOOL-AID SALAMI"

Beerus' eyes bug out. He somehow manages to choke on his own snore, hopping around between each foot while thrashing his head around like a snake, before finally bending over and screeching out a "wwwwwwWHAAAT?!"

"W-what? There should be plenty!" Bulma steps back in shock, beside herself in _almost_ horror.

"We have! TWO CANS OF SALAMI! And both of them were normal-ass salami!"

"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!" Beerus jams an accusatory finger in the direction of my face... dangerously close to jabbing an eye out, too. "YOU!" he bellows, his God of Destruction aura flaring up. "YOU PROBABLY ATE IT ALL AS A MIDNIGHT SNACK, YOU SELFISH HOG!"

"Fuck you! I don't have any either – you must've eaten it all in the middle of one of your feeding frenzies!"

"Hey now, both of you!" Bulma steps between the squabble and _smacks_ us. "The obvious answer is to go buy more!"

The sound "Ergpth" escapes Beerus' mouth as he is slapped.

"Tch!" I take a step back, and a deep breath. "How? I'm a broke college student, you... are cheap as hell, and Beerus is a cat whose job gets him paid in blood instead of cash."

While Beerus is busy adjusting his cheek and glaring at Bulma, he tacks on his own two cents: "Exactly! How can we _afford_ to get more while you're playing up this 'low-wage college student' facade, Bulma?"

Bulma thinks for a second before a mischievous smile spreads across her face. "We can always steal it."

"... Yes, I suppose we could." I knock open a drawer and prepare to start grabbing knives.

"Whoa, we don't need knives! What we need is a plan. And for me to change clothes. I don't know about y'all, but I'm not going out anywhere, stealing or not, in my pajamas!"

Beerus pinches his snout. "We don't need to prepare anything, let's just get in and get out quick." Easy for a guy who slept in his normal clothing instead of pajamas to say.

I give a hearty "Hmph!" as I slowly close the drawer. "Fine. I guess we'll... nah, let's not go to Costco. Lets go to that... that one store whose name I can't remember, but it's halfway between here and 「EASIMANDOTVACRS」? The place with the clam chowder."

"Oh, yes, _that_ place," Beerus says, the gibberish appearing to make sense to him. "... Who's driving? Bulma?"

"There, yeah. I guess I'll drive."

# # #

"I wish the place was in the other direction – then we could take BART."

"What's our plan once we're in?" Beerus asks from the back seat. He shifts around, not quite liking the fact that he is legally required to wear seat-belts.

Bulma glances at the rearview mirror and replies, "Beerus, you distract the owner. Me and him will go to the back and get the salami."

I give her a thumbs-up from the shotgun seat, looking out the window. "Are we there yet? I'm doing this for breakfast..." My stomach growls with the fury of a thousand hamsters.

Beerus looks out the window. "Car's still moving, so probably not just yet."

"Looks like we're coming up on it. You guys ready?"

I nod, setting my iPod to the Mission Impossible theme just in case we need it. "Hey Bulma, you remember to bring the jackets?"

Beerus winces and presses himself against the back of the seat, recalling how he had insisted they didn't need to prepare any further than getting dressed.

"No, but we shouldn't need them, right? It can't be that cold." Bulma shrugs, both hands still on the wheel.

"... We're going to be going into their big-ass refrigerator room."

Beerus shrugs. "_I'm_ not, _I'm_ providing the distraction." He gives a sly smirk: Bulma gives Beerus a dagger-sharp stare through the rearview mirror, making him wince a little, before snapping out of it due to their arrival at the store. She smoothly skids the car into a parking spot, giving a smirk of her own.

I immediately kick my way out of the car, relishing the fresh, smoggy gray air. "Mmm!"

Squinting at the storefront... yup, that's the place I remember. Tent-cover-thing over the well on the right, bunches fruit-tables in front under the more traditional overhang, lack of glass windows... and the delicious, nostalgia-filled scent of clam chowder... "MMMMM!"

Beerus teleports out of the car and unbuckles his still-attached seatbelt by pointing at it. He stares down the sights and takes in the smells. "Well, shall we begin?"

Bulma hops out daintily, yet with purpose. "I guess we should. Let's go." She starts moving towards the store's entrance.

I grin, following her in. Ah, culinary delight! I swipe a honey-stick out of the honey-stick basket as we pass through the door. Beerus snatches a honey-stick and shoves the entire thing down his throat, the uncouth barbarian. "Need anything, you two?"

"Can you get me some gelato?" Bulma winks subtly.

"Give me just a minute." Beerus slips away to an aisle of frozen goods, where he mulls around the ice cream section looking bizarrely distraught over something.

An employee stumbles over, noticing the destruction god's distress. "S-sir, do you need any... uh... any help, sir?"

Beerus suddenly snaps toward the employee and gets right in his face. "As a matter of fact, YES! I demand to see the manager RIGHT NOW!" he barks, pointing fingers all over the place. "THIS GELATO HAS THE CONSISTENCY OF NORMAL ICE CREAM, AND THAT IS _UNACCEPTABLE_! I MUST SEE THE MANAGER ABOUT THIS AT ONCE OR I'LL DESTROY YOUR WHOLE ESTABLISHMENT IN A SECOND DO YOU _HEAR_ ME -" As he rants, he gets louder and louder until the entire store starts to tremble like there's an earthquake going on.

The utterly horrified employee first freezes in fear, and then, feeling the earthquake-like shaking that Beerus is causing, immediately gets down on his knees and apologizes, like a little BITCH. "I'M SO SORRY, LORD BEERUS, PLEASE DON'T DESTROY US! I HAVE A WIFE AND FAMILY! I'LL GET THE MANAGER IN JUST A SECOND, HAVE MERCY!"

I laugh internally, listening to the altercation through one of the... fuck, what's the word? The things that they keep groceries on. I quickly sneak off, skulking to the back of the store, dancing to avoid the security cameras they don't have.

"They don't have cameras." Bulma walks briskly behind me, just kind of looking on.

"Hmph!" I snort, straightening up before rushing ahead of her. I reach the back of the store and kick through the plastic cover-things into the megafridge.

"Told you we'd need jackets..." I say, looking up and around. It _looks_ like the inside of a Costco... but it's huge! Jesus H. Christ, this place might as well be called Fridge City because it's as fucking big as one. A city, that is.

Bulma shakes off the shivers and looks around. "Where are we going to find this salami? This place is huge!"

"Hmmmm..."

I look around. Instead of those... layer, shelf things they have at costco, we appear to be between two enormous fucking towers made entirely up of cans. Different sorts of cans, but whatever. "We... might just need to find a Salami Tower and then climb it until we find the right flavor."

"Hmmm. Salami Tower... Where could it be?"

"Probably deeper into the fridge. City. Thing." And with that, I walk off, not waiting a second for her to follow. She follows somewhat hastily, asking me to "Wait up!"

"Tch!"

# # #

Aha, I've found it! It's glorious! It's beautiful! It's... it's...!

"FUCKING FINALLY I'M FREEZING MY ASS OFF."

It's taken way too long.

"So, this is it, right? It's taken long enough." Bulma still has the shivers, but this time she can at least speak correctly.

"I HOPE SO. Look at this, all these cans of salami and none of them are Kool-Aid! ... It must be close to the top."

"The top? You mean we're climbing?" Bulma looks up. "Well, what are we waiting for?" She tosses out a capsule containing climbing equipment.

I inspect the contents of the capsule after it bursts open. I rub my eyes. "Suction cups...? I... guess that will work."

"Yep! Let's get moving." Bulma grabs a pair and stretches a bit. I sigh as I grab the other pair and try to latch them on to the pillar of Salami Cans. She follows suit, attempting to latch the suction cups to the Salami Tower.

I get hit on the head with a can of salami. Bulma stifles a chuckle, managing to get a suction cup onto a can, before pulling it back and whacking herself in the head.

# # #

"You better!" Beerus declares, pointing a finger down at the employee while folding his other hand behind his back in typical Beerus posture fashion. He narrows his eyes. "Take too long and I'll destroy you first."

The employee jumps back, eyes wide in fear, and comically scrambles to his feet, before bolting for the "Employees Only" door. Some commotion occurs behind it, followed shortly by an ominous silence. Beerus watches the door and narrows his eyes even more as he scratches his face.

There's a long, heavy pause before the door begins to creak open again. It barely moves half an inch before the voice of a large, burly, presumably bearded man shouts indistinctly from behind it.

A moment later, and the door flies off its hinges as the foot of the aforementioned manly man kicks it the fuck out. Stepping through the doorway is...

**_THE MANAGER_**.

"You causin a ruckus in my damn shop, _boy_?" he says, bellowing deeply and loudly. The employees of the store assemble behind him, various pieces of cutlery and produce in hand.

Beerus defiantly shakes a fist at the manager. "WHY YES I AM! I DEMAND COMPENSATION FOR THE UNSATISFACTORY STATE OF YOUR GELATO!" he screams.

"GET THAT CATMAN, MEN!" The employees proceed to charge Beerus, or chuck bits of food at him. There's at least one baguette in there, maybe a few apples. No danishes or Kool-Aid Salami, sadly, but there are some pepperoni rolls.

With one hand, Beerus blocks some radishes, spears a doughnut hole with his fingernail and quickly eats it, and flicks the pepperoni into the nearby freezers. He returns fire by roaring and letting his godly aura explode forth to blow away the employees.

More employees continue to rush Beerus, even as they get blasted away. Someone chucks a bag of Frito's at his head, and someone else is _thrown bodily_ at him, wielding a knife in each hand, and foot, and holding a nice chunky baguette in his mouth. The Manager, evidently, did the chucking of the man. Beerus crushes the Fritos in his mouth, letting chips and air explode all over the floor. He catches the thrown employee by the baguette and does an Olympic hammer throw to send him _back_ at the Manager.

The employee flies back at The Manager with the same gusto as the Manager had thrown him originally, mumbling something loudly on the way. Beerus continues to blast away the continual waves of employees while The Manager proceeds to full-on suplex the flying employee into the ground.

He rises back to his feet like some kind of machine, looks Beerus dead in the eyes, and points at him. "When I'm done with you, you'll be mopping up that mess yourself." His voice is cold and stoic. "Make me," Beerus replies, equally cold.

Beerus and the Manager rush each other, Beerus hovering while the Manager runs, and collide with their forearms. Things quickly devolve into frenzied brawling from there, though. The Manager socks Beerus across the jaw, but the cat-god wraps his arms around the Manager's punching arm and bites it. The Manager howls in fury and peels Beerus off with his free hand before headbutting him away. Beerus stumbles backwards to a stop.

"You're surprisingly good, but I refuse to lose to subpar supervisors!" He creates explosive orbs that float around himself and rushes back at the Manager... who just tackles him through the orbs, pinning him on the floor and reducing the fight yet again to a flurry of scratches, punches, bites, and headbutts. It looks really cartoonish. The Manager cocks back an arm and throws a straight punch down at Beerus' face. Beerus catches it, turning the floor into a miniature crater, before slowly crushing the Manager's hand, making him back off as Beerus rises back to his feet. The Manager runs back in and stomps on Beerus' foot, making him yowl in pain, then delivers a clothesline to his throat while his head is tilted up, sending him tumbling over a nearby countertop.

The counter explodes as Beerus comes flying elbow-first into the Manager's gut, making him double over, then backflips off his legs and does a midair twist to land with his back to the Manager. The Manager goes for another rush, only for Beerus to donkey-kick him in the jaw, giving him a comical split-second underbite.

They just keep going at it for a good while, eventually devolving into simple punches and quick grabs... oh god, they're even flinging food.

"Oh boy... Okay, that's about enough. Come on now..." Bulma re-enters the scene, trying to get in and grab Beerus to escort him out of the store.

I sigh as I exit the megafridge: I turn my (nonexistent) baseball cap backwards, and dash into action! Behind Bulma. I'm not suicidal. Beerus is grabbed and dragged away, flailing and screaming.

The Manager sticks a cigar in his mouth and grins as he lights it. "Come back any time! We're always happy to_ serve our customers_..."

Bulma manages to drag the rampaging cat out of the store and by the car. After checking to see if there are any cameras, she pulls out the can of salami. "Got it!"

I wipe my brow out of nervousness in spite of having been in frigid cold for the last while. "Great, great, give it here!"

Beerus watches cooly, hiding one hand behind his back. It seems like more of the usual Beerus posturing at first, but then he comes up and taps me on the shoulder with his other hand. "Erm, excuse me, Rbade."

"Huh?" I ask as I look back at him. "Yea?"

Beerus grins maliciously and draws his hidden arm from behind his back, revealing... a granny smith apple! My one weakness! He... he must have gotten that from his tussle with the Manager!

"You're _welcome_."

**_WHAP_**

* * *

RBADE AND HIS NARRATION BY: ME

BEERUS AND HIS NARRATION BY: STRYKER324

BULMA AND HER NARRATION BY: DEFREVENGE24601

EMPLOYEES AND THEIR NARRATION BY: OMEGASHADOWCRY

THE MANAGER AND HIS NARRATION BY: OMEGASHADOWCRY, STRYKER324

[The things at Costco that they keep groceries on whose name Rbade forgot are called pallet racks. - Stryker324, Revision Editor]


End file.
